Am I?
I feel like I've moved beyond the self-loathing for the most part, but it'll always be there. But isn't it there for everyone too, just varying degrees? Maybe where it's different for me is because that grey jello in my head got knocked around one too many times. An enlightening conversation with AI revealed a lot of things that doctors never did that made lots of sense. I actually felt validated.
But anyway, outside of that; coming to terms with shortcomings of mine in an honest and constructive manner has been sort of freeing to me.
Am I a control freak?
Probably. Again, I think we all love to be in control. But to control others is where that gets dicey. A lot of people think they can make other people's lives better by getting them to change more to the controller's liking. I remember back in my band days when I played drums for a group called Asylum, we rehearsed our asses off. And I was a stickler for perfecting songs to sound as much like the record as we could get it. Maybe to the point where I annoyed my fellow band members. In retrospect, I see that I should have encouraged the other guys to inject their own creativity and input into their own versions of the songs. Then you would be a lot more likely to evolve into writing your own stuff, which we didn't, though later with YQM, that actually came to fruition, with maybe middling results due to inexperience. I actually assume most, maybe all, the blame for that. These days, I feel a lot more comfortable taking suggestions and orders than laying them out. At work, I was at times excessively particular. I probably was annoying to some around me, even, but I did what I could to keep to myself. But being away from all that now, I can see the picture better the further I get from it. What I needed was to interact more, which, as it turns out, is a major part of my disability. In fact, I was kind of forced to retire because I have difficulty interacting at work. I have trouble taking directions sometimes, because of learning issues. My emotions get out of whack when someone's critical of my work. That's how I've always been. If I see something I think I can improve, it's likely I'll try doing it, and I often got in trouble because I went against orders. I think these are the typical actions of a control freak.
I would often tell my wife Janice how to do something she already knows how to do, it's just when I say it, it's better (it isn't). In the past my suggestions look rather forceful to me. I don't resent myself for having been that way, it's just the way life unfolded for me. However, today I realize that all could use a re-working. Suggestions can come across a whole lot better if they remain exactly that: Suggestions. And not something insisted.
In my family, my siblings and I are probably widely known for maybe being this way to some extent, but I'm not going to harp on anyone except me. As a matter of fact, I can look to them and see what I need to do to further myself, because they've already ridden down that road and have changed for the better. I guess self-recognizing is key there.
But what about taking criticism constructively? That's always been an issue for me. I want and need to take criticism. It's vital to personal growth. Maybe my own growth has been stunted by my lack of ability to take judgment seriously; and maybe watch out about taking it too seriously.
These days, if someone tells me something critically, I will try to take that and re-adjust things accordingly to improve. For instance, what if someone's trying to tell me that I'm embracing victimhood? A few years ago, post Covid, I talked with a friend who appeared to be rather frustrated with me, and insinuated between the lines that I might be playing the victim card a little excessively. Mind you, during Covid times, I think a lot of folks were doing that. But for me, maybe it was a bit of a descent that started long before that. Also, had I been getting professional counseling for my issues, I could have met the challenge head-on to get away from that. But, that's neither here nor there. We've come to today, where I see where others might say that I was embracing being the victim. Some may agree, or disagree, but what I know is that seeing a victim in the mirror is dis-empowering more than anything.
That's not to say that I regret blogging all of these years gone past. I'm actually glad I documented everything I was feeling and doing and going through, because it painted the picture of the storm in my head, which led me down the path of going on disability, which I needed. In fact, I think I could have been on disability maybe even decades ago, given the damage I've done to myself over the years. I have no regrets. I embraced with pride my years of hard work, and I know now why I had the troubles that I did. That's not seeing a victim in my reflection. That's realizing what I always was. And I wish I'd had a better grip on it through some points in years past, but life happens. I don't rule out finding work again one day, but it has to be conducive to my strengths; and if I'm being completely honest, I'm not exactly a skilled guy. I did manage to work throughout my life doing grunt work, basically. I've never had a career in the traditional sense. I lacked aim and direction. But, I got through it to where I am right now, which is a really good place.
Something that plays into that whole narrative is that I absolutely hate confrontation. HATE it. Maybe there's nothing I hate more. I don't like getting into arguments, which are essentially one-upsmanship deals, and prefer discussion instead. I'll avoid arguments these days. I used to look for them, then wind up getting all bent out of shape when hard feelings surface. And I'm the kind of guy that would take things to heart, that being I don't forget. I certainly know how to forgive, but I feel like I need forgiveness myself more than I need to give it. But I'm much more in favor of de-escalation these days than I am any kind of debate or argument. If there's going to be a winner and a loser coming out of a conversation, then that was an argument or a debate. And I don't want much of a part of that. Being wrong about something, after all, is just a matter of perspective - you can see it as an opportunity to actually learn, rather than smite yourself for being incorrect. That's something I'm working heavily on, but it's a work in progress. It always will be.
But I hate fighting. I hate it so much. It's a massive vibe-killer, and if you know me these days, I'm all about vibe. Low vibration is not the place for anyone to be, and no one should strive to be there. De-escalating is one of my favorite things to partake in these days, to try to turn a sour mood into something positive or even funny. When we do our big pot-walks, we both make it a point to greet everyone we see. That's something that feels otherworldly when you do it regularly, in a very good sense. Maybe that smile you offered a stranger is exactly what turns their day around and influences a critical decision they're about to make. There is nothing bad that can come out of doing such a thing. Worse come to worse, I'll just leave a situation where the vibe is crashing. I really do believe people ought to protect their energy, and share it in the right places. It's actually infectious. So is spreading hatred and fear. I choose positive energy.
I remember as a kid getting into fights here and there. Not many, mind you. I really wasn't much of a fighter, because I hated it. Most of the time I'd get my block knocked off. If I got the upper hand, I'd feel bad about it. To this day, I'm afraid of actually hurting somebody if I hit them. I pulled my blows in taekwondo, even, and still got complaints I was hitting too hard. I'm scared to death of hurting women, especially. I just can't live with the fact that I hurt anyone, so I avoid it as much as I can. My taekwondo master told me one particular kick that I have could end a fight on the spot. Now I'm petrified of using it!
Could writing professionally be in my future? Who knows. But the sticking point there might be AI itself. I promise to anyone who reads what I write that my blogs are all me, and I think you can tell if you know me. But my writing is imperfect, and that's how I want it. I don't want a refined AI version of my thoughts. It has to be me that shines through the words I key in. Someone who knows me might think, "yeah, that's Mike!" And that's how I want it. That being said, AI is writing a lot of what we consume right now, and even if there's AI assistance, it should be noted. With some of my blogs, I will use AI to clarify things, but I will use my own words around the facts, so you will know it's me and not Mr. Roboto or something. I've heard many, many kind things about my writing through the years, and that I should do something with it. What, go back to school? I'm a 60 year old with learning issues. I doubt that would work out too well. My last attempt at a computer college in the 90s yielded me nothing.
That being said, I'll just keep on writing because I get a kick out of it. I like to do it. I like to look back at some things that I wrote and see how different that person is from the person I am today. I really feel like I'm not the person that I once portrayed myself to be, but new and improved. I acknowledge mistakes I've made, accept them if they're pointed out to me where I didn't see them, and take responsibility for all of it. But I do not necessarily adhere to the same behaviors.
This is also why Janice and I are so good as a team. I'm the 'good cop' and she's the 'bad cop'. We both know this. I will be diplomatic where it's needed, and Janice will become a tank when it's needed, and it's pretty hard to stop a tank. That isn't me! I'm meek and mild Mike. Janice and I complement each other that way and that makes us a powerful team. Most often, I come up with suggestions for things and she will carry them out. We're in the position we are right now because we recognize each other's strengths and weaknesses.
By the way, you can share this blog with anyone you wish; this one or any other. I don't really want to push that too much, because I don't want to come off as self-aggrandizing. But I do see the view counts in my stats here on Blogspot, and though they're not money making numbers, it's way more than I ever expected. If you're one of those readers reading this, Thanks!
Now let's all get on with a summer of high vibes.
Now let's all get on with a summer of high vibes.
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